Purpose
by kageryuu
Summary: The third hokage only spoke as I was about to leave his office,“Kakashi, if you keep trying to search for purpose in this life, it will drive you mad. [Kakashi P.O.V.][First person][Oneshot]


**_Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto am not making money off ofthis._**

**PURPOSE**

_We humans strive to find purpose among the chaos of this world, yet amid all of that, we still struggle to survive, fighting for every breath we take, fighting to take one more step. I stand there and wonder, why? Why do we all live this way when death will come to us all, then all our struggles will have proved to only be in vain._

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I remember the blood. Hot and wet as it flowed over my hands, yet I couldn't place where it was from or how it had gotten there, my victim lay far away, the voice in the back of my head told me I was the one who had done this, my voice would not work, as I felt myself sink to my knees, how could I do this, what had I become?

I was ninja, an ANBU, yet I did not even know my own powers. Why? I ask myself. This had been my own teammate, now their blood stained my hands, yet I did not know why it was there, who were they? Why had I killed them, what was my motive, over and over I ask myself, but there are no answers, I can't remember why.

Struggling, using all my willpower I stand, I walk to them, kneeling, my fingers lightly trace their chest where my hand had penetrated, the blood was dry and sticky, I pull my hand away quickly, repulsed by the sight before me. Lifeless eyes stare at me, accusing me of my crime, but still I can't remember, why. My hand reaches over to shut their eyes, anything to take away this burning feeling of guilt that haunted me. It was no use though, I still felt the presence lingering, as if they were mocking me, trying to force me to loose what little sanity I had left.

I felt like screaming, just to let out all the insanity that had built up inside of me. It was true, I thought bitterly, as you slowly adopt the way of shinobi, you can slowly loose the part of yourself that is human. What happened? I ask myself. The blood on my hands is sticky now that it has dried; I take no notice of this though as I pick up my katana, severing my comrade's head.

For a moment, I just sit there, cradling the head to my chest, they were dead, it was no use crying, shinobi don't cry, this had been drilled to me since I was a child, yet now it was all I could do to hold back the tears as I rocked back and forth.

Kira. A name comes to mind, their name was Kira, their crime…betrayal. This information comes to me as I sit there, my mind slowly becomes clear. Name, Kira. Crime, selling information to Orochimaru. Why had I forgotten? I wondered idly, but my body was quicker than my mind and already begun to prepare the body for burial. All ANBU knew this technique, it was imperative, so that in case of events like this we would be able to hide the techniques of our village.

The head was all I needed to prove the success of the mission; silently I finished disposing of the body and sealing all the jutsu the person had known. Yet still I felt that guilt that came with knowing you had been the one to kill your own comrade, that you had been the one to silence them. Reluctantly I make my way back to the village, my feet heavy, I struggled to take one more step, and I knew the journey would not get any easier, just like my life, I thought bitterly.

My thoughts raced, keeping to only the darker subjects as I made my journey home, again I began to wonder, why had I forgotten, even if it had been only for a moment? The answer hit me, and when it came, I was repulsed by myself, I did not remember because I did not want to, because I was too ashamed of my own actions.

Before I realized it I stood in front of the third hokage, not at all aware of the blood that stained my clothes and covered my body. Even if I had, I would not have cared; I was too lost in my own thoughts. I just set the severed head on the desk, and announced my mission as complete. Then next to my comrade's head I threw my ANBU mask shaped like the head of a dog, "I quit ANBU," I said, not really hearing my own words. They left a bitter taste in my mouth.

The third hokage only spoke as I was about to leave his office, his old, kind voice was soft, barely audible even to my own ears, he said, "Kakashi, if you keep trying to search for purpose in this life, it will drive you mad. Instead, you should just accept the fact that this is, and nothing else will be."

It has been almost four years since that day; I am now a jounin with a three man cell to baby sit. The third's words often echo through my mind, and I still wonder what his words meant, but I believe I am beginning to understand.

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**I have no idea where this came from, but it popped into my head, so I wrote it down, I hope you don't completely hate me for it. Feel free to flame, and whatever, but I just had the random desire to write this as well as post it of course.**


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